On March 12, 2013, our then-13-month-old daughter, who is called Rosebud on the blog, was injured in an accident in our home. This is Part 3 of the series in which I relate the story of the injury, our subsequent 4-week hospital stay, and the ongoing recovery process. This story is very difficult to write and relive. If you choose to comment, please be kind. I promise you that there is no judgment or condemnation or blame that you can place on me that I haven't already placed on myself. The index to the whole series can be found by clicking this link.
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March 12, 2013
10:00 pm
I am in a car. I still can't get in touch with Husband. I have no idea what shape our baby girl is in. A part of me fully expects to arrive at the hospital to the news that she didn't make it through the helicopter ride to the emergency room. Or, at the very least, that she is in surgery with catastrophic injuries.
I borrow Husband's supervisor's cell phone and am able to get the hospital phone operator on the line. I explain the situation and my call is transferred...to the chaplain. My stomach fills with lead.
I know from my psychology courses that it is standard procedure for a social worker or a chaplain to be the liaison between a trauma victim's family and the hospital staff and doctors. Logically, I know that I am talking to the chaplain for this reason, but my mother heart believes it is because I've lost my baby and it's the chaplain's job to tell me.
I beg for details on Rosebud's condition.
The chaplain tells me he doesn't know much, but that a CT scan revealed that there is bleeding on her brain. Swelling is a big concern, and they will be monitoring carefully for that. She is still breathing on her own but with help from an oxygen mask. They will know more in 48 hours.
Husband and Jeric are at the hospital, along Husband's direct supervisor, who happened to be in the area that evening.
They tell me how to find their private waiting room when I arrive.
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10:30 pm
I am finally reunited with my husband and son. Husband has not been allowed to see Rosebud yet. We don't want Jeric to see her. Husband did speak with the ER doctor who ordered the CT scan, and was told that, in addition to the brain bleed I'd been told about, she had a skull fracture. We are all in panic mode. Jeric is a trooper. He is handling things better than I am.
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11:30 pm
I am allowed back into the ER to see Rosebud. She doesn't look any different than the last time I saw her, in the ambulance, except that now she has several IVs instead of just one. And she is less responsive because she is somewhat sedated.
The doctor is in the room when I go in, but a different doctor than the one that Husband talked to. This is the doctor in charge in the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit), where Rosebud will be transferred in the next few hours. She tells me about the brain bleed, risk of swelling and what that would mean, and that we'll know more in a couple of days. I mention that the other doctor said something about a skull fracture, but this doctor says she didn't see any evidence on the CT scan. She hopes that we will soon begin to see indications of what is going on neurologically.
I sit with Rosebud for a few minutes. I stroke her poor little body. (She is naked except for a diaper they put on her. She had been wearing one of her cute yellow cloth diapers, but it is gone now, as is the t-shirt she was wearing. I don't care if I ever see them again.) I talk to her, pray for her. I tell her how sorry I am. I beg her to stay with me, to come back and be the same girl again. I feel such guilt. It is my fault this happened. It is all my fault.
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11:50 pm
I return to our waiting room to sit with Jeric so that Husband can go see Rosebud. But they aren't there. I look around for them, then find the chaplain to ask if he had seen them. He goes looking, but can't find them anywhere.
I open Husband's laptop and log on to a private facebook group to post the following message at 11:58pm:
PRAYERS PLEASE.
My daughter had an accident this evening and is in the hospital with some bleeding on her brain. No swelling yet but we'll know better in 48 hours. In the meantime, all of you please pray for her healing, the hands and minds of the doctors, and the faith we'll need to get through this. Please.
Within moments there are several comments to that effect. I can already feel the calming influence of those prayers.
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March 13, 2013
12:15 am
A security guard finds me. I am needed back in the ER in Rosebud's room. I panic. Are they losing her?! I am sure they are.
As I approach the room, I am met by the chaplain. He tells me it is okay. Rosebud seemed more aware and was moving around and they thought I would like to see her.
I enter her room. She is "sleeping" again (it seems like something between asleep and unconscious). I hold her hand.
She vomits a little. It is blood-tinged. They say there are contusions on her lungs, and that is where the blood is coming from.
In a few minutes, she seems to sort of snap out of it. She squeezes my finger. She is looking around. She sees me! She knows me!
"Mamamamamamamama," she says. She reaches for me.
I look at the nurse. "Please, can I hold her? Is she stable enough?"
He helps me get her situated. She settles into my arms. I am sitting on hergurney bed. She vomits again. There are too many wires. But she is calm, and she knows me!
I still don't know where Husband has gone. They tell me they have put our things into a security locker and we can get them out later.
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12:45 am
They have a room in the PICU all ready for my girl. I am still holding her. She is still sleeping, but more soundly. So they push us both up to the PICU, together. I hope someone will find Husband and tell him where we've gone.
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10:30 pm
I am finally reunited with my husband and son. Husband has not been allowed to see Rosebud yet. We don't want Jeric to see her. Husband did speak with the ER doctor who ordered the CT scan, and was told that, in addition to the brain bleed I'd been told about, she had a skull fracture. We are all in panic mode. Jeric is a trooper. He is handling things better than I am.
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11:30 pm
I am allowed back into the ER to see Rosebud. She doesn't look any different than the last time I saw her, in the ambulance, except that now she has several IVs instead of just one. And she is less responsive because she is somewhat sedated.
The doctor is in the room when I go in, but a different doctor than the one that Husband talked to. This is the doctor in charge in the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit), where Rosebud will be transferred in the next few hours. She tells me about the brain bleed, risk of swelling and what that would mean, and that we'll know more in a couple of days. I mention that the other doctor said something about a skull fracture, but this doctor says she didn't see any evidence on the CT scan. She hopes that we will soon begin to see indications of what is going on neurologically.
I sit with Rosebud for a few minutes. I stroke her poor little body. (She is naked except for a diaper they put on her. She had been wearing one of her cute yellow cloth diapers, but it is gone now, as is the t-shirt she was wearing. I don't care if I ever see them again.) I talk to her, pray for her. I tell her how sorry I am. I beg her to stay with me, to come back and be the same girl again. I feel such guilt. It is my fault this happened. It is all my fault.
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11:50 pm
I return to our waiting room to sit with Jeric so that Husband can go see Rosebud. But they aren't there. I look around for them, then find the chaplain to ask if he had seen them. He goes looking, but can't find them anywhere.
I open Husband's laptop and log on to a private facebook group to post the following message at 11:58pm:
PRAYERS PLEASE.
My daughter had an accident this evening and is in the hospital with some bleeding on her brain. No swelling yet but we'll know better in 48 hours. In the meantime, all of you please pray for her healing, the hands and minds of the doctors, and the faith we'll need to get through this. Please.
Within moments there are several comments to that effect. I can already feel the calming influence of those prayers.
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March 13, 2013
12:15 am
A security guard finds me. I am needed back in the ER in Rosebud's room. I panic. Are they losing her?! I am sure they are.
As I approach the room, I am met by the chaplain. He tells me it is okay. Rosebud seemed more aware and was moving around and they thought I would like to see her.
I enter her room. She is "sleeping" again (it seems like something between asleep and unconscious). I hold her hand.
She vomits a little. It is blood-tinged. They say there are contusions on her lungs, and that is where the blood is coming from.
In a few minutes, she seems to sort of snap out of it. She squeezes my finger. She is looking around. She sees me! She knows me!
"Mamamamamamamama," she says. She reaches for me.
I look at the nurse. "Please, can I hold her? Is she stable enough?"
He helps me get her situated. She settles into my arms. I am sitting on her
I still don't know where Husband has gone. They tell me they have put our things into a security locker and we can get them out later.
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12:45 am
They have a room in the PICU all ready for my girl. I am still holding her. She is still sleeping, but more soundly. So they push us both up to the PICU, together. I hope someone will find Husband and tell him where we've gone.
